Yes, The Trump Presidency Is Just A TV Show We All Have To Live Through

Yes, The Trump Presidency Is Just A TV Show We All Have To Live Through


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LET’S GET RIGHT TO IT. WE DON’T HAVE ANY TIME. WE DON’T HAVE A MINUTE TO WASTE
HERE. IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS. I’M BUSY, YOU’RE BUSY. I’VE GOT AN OVEN FULL OF
SNICKERDOODLES I HAVE TO FINISH THE MONOLOGUE
BEFORE THE TIMER GOES OFF. IT’S JUST AFTER SIX CLRKS AS WE
SPEAK, THE FULL HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IS STILL
DEBATING THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT. THEY HAVEN’T VOTED YET, BUT I’M
ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION, SO I’M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND CALL
IT NOW. TONIGHT, FOR ONLY THE THIRD TIME
IN U.S. HISTORY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTED TO IMPEACH
A SITTING PRESIDENT, DONALD J. TRUMP.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. AGAIN, THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY
VOTED YET. AND IF WE WAKE UP TOMORROW AND
IT TURNS OUT I’M WRONG, I WILL ISSUE A SEVERE APOLOGY FROM
MARGARITAVILLE. I’M COMING BACK. I’LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS IN
THIS VERY SPECIAL INSTALLMENT OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? IT’S TODAY! IT’S TODAY! IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.>>Stephen: NOW, LIKE I SAID,
TRUMP’S ONLY THE THIRD PRESIDENT TO BE IMPEACHED, AND THE FOURTH
TO HAVE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT DRAWN UP AGAINST HIM. BUT HERE’S THE THING: I’M 55
THREE OF THOSE IMPEACHMENTS HAVE HAPPENED DURING MY LIFETIME. FOR THE FOURTH ONE, YOU HAVE TO
GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1868 AND ANDREW JOHNSON, WHOSE SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WAS, OF COURSE, CONDUCTED BY CHUCK
SCHUMER AND MITCH McCONNELL.( LAUGHTER )
SERIOUSLY, GUYS! MOVE ON! MAKE ROOM FOR YOUNG BLOOD! TODAY, THE HOUSE GAVE THEMSELVES
SIX HOURS OF FLOOR DEBATE TO DECIDE ON IMPEACHMENT. SIX HOURS? THAT’S A LONG TIME TO LET BOTH
SIDES REPEAT THE SAME STUFF THEY’VE BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS. IT’S LIKE HAVING TO–
( APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT’S LIKE HAVING TO LISTEN
TO YOUR GRANDFATHER TELL THE SAME STORY YOU’VE BEEN HEARING
YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. “GRANDPA, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT
YOU DID OVER-THE-CLOTHES STUFF WITH BETTY PAGE!”
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IN HER OPENING STATEMENT,
NANCY PELOSI MADE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS SHE’S REAL SAD ABOUT THIS.>>VERY SADLY NOW, OUR
FOUNDER’S VISION OF A REPUBLIC IS UNDER THREAT FROM ACTIONS
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. SADLY, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE
WITNESSED FURTHER WRONGS OF THE PRESIDENT. TODAY IS A NATIONAL CIVICS
LESSON, THOUGH A SAD ONE. I SOLEMNLY AND SADLY OPEN THE
DEBATE ON THE IMPEACHMENT OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.>>Stephen: (AS PELOSI)
“BUT, FIRST, SADLY, WE ARE SOLEMNLY SAD, ABOUT THE SOLEMN,
SAD, SOMLENESS THAT IS THIS SAD, SAD, SOLEMN SAD DAY. SAD.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S HER, NOT ME. THAT’S HER. BUT THE AWARD FOR MOST “HUH?”
IMPEACHMENT TAKE IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES GOES TO
GEORGIA REPUBLICAN AND MAN WHOSE LAST NAME DESCRIBES HIM
PERFECTLY, BARRY LOUDERMILK. LOUDERMILK MADE THIS COMPARISON:
>>BEFORE YOU TAKE THIS HISTORIC VOTE TODAY, ONE WEEK BEFORE
CHRISTMAS, I WANT YOU TO KEEP THIS IN MIND: WHEN JESUS WAS
FALSELY ACCUSED OF TREASON, PONTIUS PILATE GAVE JESUS THE
OPPORTUNITY TO FACE HIS ACCUSERS. DURING THAT SHAM TRIAL, PONTIUS
PILATE AFFORDED MORE RIGHTS TO JESUS THAN THE DEMOCRATS HAVE
AFFORDED THIS PRESIDENT.>>Audience: OOOOOH!>>Stephen: REALLY? YOU’RE GOING TO COMPARE DONALD
TRUMP TO JESUS CHRIST?( LAUGHTER )
MAY I REMIND YOU, JESUS NEVER HAD TO CUT A CHECK TO KEEP MARY
MAGDALENE QUIET.( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE THAT RIGHT, RIGHT? I HAVE THAT RIGHT, RIGHT?>>Jon: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. THAT NEVER HAPPENED, NO.>>Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE
GOHMERT TOOK A MORE NEGATIVE VIEW OF THE PROCEEDING.>>THIS COUNTRY’S END IS NOW IN
SIGHT. I HOPE I DON’T LIVE TO SEE IT.>>Stephen: WOW, THAT’S A BOLD
STATEMENT. BUT IT EXPLAINS HIS REELECTION
SLOGAN: “GOHMERT 2020: TAKE ME, DEATH.”( APPLAUSE )
DUMB, THE GUY IT DUMB. HE JUST PLAIN, OLD DUMB, BABY. TRUMP IS REACTING TO THE
IMPEACHMENT NEWS WITH HIS USUAL CALM AND MEASURED RANTING. YESTERDAY, HE SENT AN ANGRY
SIX-PAGE SCREED DIRECTED AT NANCY PELOSI. AND TODAY HE PASSED THAT RANT
OUT TO EVERY MEMBER OF CONGRESS INSIDE A MASSIVE
CHRISTMAS CARD.( LAUGHTER )
THAT THING IS THE SIZE OF A CHEESECAKE FACTORY MENU! WHICH MAKES SOME SENSE, SINCE
BOTH FEATURE AN “ORANGE CHICKEN.” ARE THE CARD, THE CARD IS
SIGNED–( APPLAUSE )
THE CARD IS SIGNED BY, LET’S SEE, IT LOOKS LIKE THAT
SAYS PRESIDENT “AMNANHUNMUN” AND FIRST LADY “WHAAA JIMMY.” THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T STOP WITH
“ANGRY SCREED” AND “COMICALLY OVERSIZED CARD,” BECAUSE HE
ALSO INCLUDED A SECOND, SMALLER CHRISTMAS CARD. CARDS WITHIN CARDS! IT’S LIKE A RUSSIAN DOLL–
WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS TRUMP’S SECRET SERVICE NICKNAME.( LAUGHTER )
THAT WASN’T–( APPLAUSE )
THAT WASN’T TRUMP’S ONLY DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP. THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, “CAN
YOU BELIEVE THAT I WILL BE IMPEACHED TODAY BY THE RADICAL
LEFT, DO-NOTHING DEMOCRATS, AND I DID NOTHING WRONG! A TERRIBLE THING. READ THE TRANSCRIPTS. THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO
ANOTHER PRESIDENT AGAIN. SAY A PRAYER!”
( LAUGHTER )
YES, NOTHING, NOCT–
( APPLAUSE )
NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE QUITE
LIKE SAY A PRAYER.” A STATE TROOPER PULLS YOU OVER,
YOU’RE COMPLETELY INNOCENT, SO YOU SCREAM AT THE OTHER
MOTORISTS “PRAY FOR ME!”( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, MAN, WOW.>>Stephen: TRUMP PROBABLY WILL
BOUNCE BACK. ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER AIDE,
TRUMP IS “THE MOST RESILIENT POLITICIAN THE COUNTRY HAS EVER
SEEN.” OKAY, NOT TO BE ALL “TEDDY
ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT,” BUT TEDDY ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT, AND THEN
FINISHED THE SPEECH HE WAS GIVING. TRUMP GETS WINDED CARRYING AN
UMBRELLA UP A STAIRCASE.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE AIDE THINKS– THIS AIDE–
THIS UNNAMED AIDE, THINKS NONE OF US– NONE OF US WILL BE THAT
AFFECTED BY ANY OF THIS, PREDICTING “WE’LL JUST WAKE UP
THURSDAY AFTER THIS ABSURD IMPEACHMENT VOTE AND SAY,’ WELL,
THAT WAS QUITE A SEASON THREE FINALE. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IN SEASON
FOUR’?” YES, THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY IS
JUST A TV SHOW WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH. I CALL IT “THE WORST WING.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MISS THAT SHOW. I LOVE THAT GREEN VELVET. WHAT IS IT A FOREST GREEN,
MOSSY? I LOVE IT. ONCE TRUMP IS IMPEACHED, THE
CASE MOVES TO THE SENATE, LED BY MAJORITY LEADER AND
CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED SCROTUM, MITCH McCONNELL.( LAUGHTER )
HAD TROUBLE SAYING HIS NAME AFTER THAT ONE.( LAUGHTER )
McCONNELL HAS A SIMPLE PLAN FOR THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL– NO
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. BUT McCONNELL COULD LOSE CONTROL
OF THE PROCEEDINGS IF FOUR REPUBLICANS VOTE WITH DEMOCRATS
TO ALLOW WITNESSES. ONE OF THE LIKELY SUSPECTS TO
GROW A SPINE IS UTAH SENATOR MITT ROMNEY, SEEN HERE
QUESTIONING HIS LIFE CHOICES.( LAUGHTER )
WHEN ROMNEY WAS ASKED HIS OPINION ON CALLING ADDITIONAL
WITNESSES, HE SAID, “IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY POINT OF
VIEW, IT’S JUST THAT I’M NOT WILLING TO SHARE THAT POINT OF
VIEW TILL I’VE HAD THE CHANCE TO TALK TO OTHERS AND GET THEIR
PERSPECTIVES.” OH, COURAGE. IT’S JUST LIKE AT THE END OF THE
MOVIE WHEN THE ROMANS ARE ABOUT TO CRUCIFY KIRK DOUGLAS, AND
THEN TONY CURTIS STANDS UP AND GOES, “IT’S NOT THAT I’M NOT
SPARTACUS. I’M JUST NOT WILLING TO
SHARE WHETHER I’M SPARTACUS. FIRST, I WANT TO TALK TO THESE
OTHER GUYS AND FIND OUT IF ANY OF THEM ARE SPARTACUS. ANYONE? NOPE. ALL RIGHT, I’LL SIT DOWN NOW.”( DING )
OH! MY SNICKERDOODLES ARE DONE! HOLD ON ONE SECOND. HERE WE GO. HOT STUFF! HOT STUFF! AH! THERE YOU GO!( APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! CHARLIZE THERON IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, RUDY
GIULIANI WILL JOIN US. OH, YEAH. COME ON! HOT STUFF! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )