Sexual Harassment Charlie – SNL

Sexual Harassment Charlie – SNL


>>>ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
CAN I GET YOU TO GATHER OVER HERE, PLEASE.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LUNCH, EVERYONE.
I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO BE CLEAR THAT HERE AT BETA CORP. WE HAVE
A ZERO TOLERANCE FOR WORKPLACE SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ALL
OFFENDERS WILL BE TERMINATED. [ APPLAUSE ]
THAT BEING SAID, UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAD TO FIRE OUR CFO,
DOUG GIFFORD.>>HEY, FINALLY.
>>YEAH, GOOD RIDDANCE.>>BASTARD.
>>AND ALSO OUR FRONT DESK GUY, CHARLIE.
>>OH.>>NOT CHARLIE.
>>AND IF IT’S OKAY, WE HAVE ASKED THEM TO COME OUT
AND FORMALLY APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF YOU BEFORE THEY LEAVE.
COME ON OUT HERE, GUYS.>>THANK YOU, GLEN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL OF YOU THAT I AM DEEPLY AND TRULY SORRY
FOR ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATE THAT I MAY HAVE DONE WHILE WORKING
HERE.>>YEAH, MY BAD.
>>TO JANET IN PARTICULAR. I KNOW THAT I PLAYFULLY REFERRED
TO YOU AS MY LITTLE HONEY BEE AND IT MADE YOU FEEL
UNCOMFORTABLE AND I KNOW NOW THAT IT WAS WRONG AND I’M SORRY.
>>IT WAS GROSS, AND YOU ARE GROSS.
>>JANET, I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU WOULD WALK BY ME AND I WOULD SAY
SOMETHING LIKE, MMMM, MMMM THEN I’D SHAKE MY HEAD, DO A
LITTLE DANCE AND ASK YOU NOT TO HURT NOBODY WITH THAT THING.
IT WAS WRONGFUL I’M SORRY.>>CHARLIE, YOU ARE SO CRAZY.
>>OH, THAT IS CLASSIC CHARLIE.>>OKAY.
AMANDA, THERE WAS ONE TIME AT A MEETING RECENTLY WHERE I
COMMENTED ON YOUR DRESS AND YOUR FIGURE.
AND EVEN THOUGH I MEANT IT AS A COMPLIMENT, APPARENTLY IT WAS
STILL INAPPROPRIATE, SO FOR THAT I’M SORRY.
? OH, APPARENTLY?
OKAY, WELL, APPARENTLY YOU STILL DON’T GET
IT. AND THAT’S WHY THEY FIRED YOUR
CREEP ASS.>>YEAH!
[ APPLAUSE ]>>MANDY, MANDY, SWEETER THAN
CANDY. I REMEMBER I SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT DRESS, TOO. I THINK IT WAS ALONG THE LINES
OF MMMM, MMMM, MMMM, MMMM. WOMAN, YOU THICKER THAN A BOWL
OF BISCUIT BATTER. WHY DON’T YOU MAKE OLD CHARLIE A PAIR WITH
EXTRA JELLY. THEN I DID MY LITTLE DANCE, TOLD YOU NOT TO
HURT NOBODY WITH THAT THING. IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.
THAT’S MY BAD.>>OH CHARLIE, YOU ARE TOO MUCH.
>>YOU KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO SENSE.
>>GLEN, YOU CAN’T FIRE CHARLIE. IT’S JUST CHARLIE.
>>IT WAS A CORPORATE DECISION, DENISE.
MY HANDS ARE TIED.>>DENISE.
>>WHAT, CREEP?>>I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE
ME SUGGESTING TO YOU THAT YOU WOULD GET AHEAD FURTHER IN THIS
BUSINESS IF YOU SMILED A LITTLE MORE.
IT WAS JUST ADVICE.>>WELL, IT SUCKED.
AND YOU SUCK.>>YEAH, THAT IS LEGIT AWFUL,
DOUG.>>I KNOW.
THAT’S WHY I’M SAYING SORRY NOW.>>DENISE —
AT ONE TIME I THINK I MAY HAVE SUGGEST IF I WAS 11 YEARS
YOUNGER I WOULD PUT YOU IN A LARGE SACK, THROW YOU IN THE
TRUNK OF MY ELDORADO AND DRIVE YOU TO MY SISTER BETTY’S HOUSE
WITH THE MEDICAL BED, AND THEN I’D CRACK OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS
AND SHOW YOU A GOOD OL’ TIME FOR 28 MINUTES.
>>I GUESS THAT’S MY LOSS, CHARLIE.
>>HOW ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?>>SHUT UP, MAN, THAT’S JUST
CHARLIE.>>YEAH, HE’S JUST A SWEET OLD
MAN.>>GLEN, YOU JUST CAN’T FIRE
CHARLIE. IT’S THE HOLIDAYS.
>>BELIEVE ME. I DON’T WANT TO.
I WISH I WAS JUST FIRING DOUG, TOO.
>>WHAT?>>OH, DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME
SWEET SEXY JENNY. MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB AT
SANTATOWN, THEN I COULD SNEAK DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY, TIE UP YOUR
OLD MAN, CRACK OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS AND GIVE YOU A 28 MINUTE
PRESENT. MMMM MMMM, DON’T YOU HURT NOBODY
WITH THAT THING.>>THANK YOU CHARLIE.
>>THANK YOU? HE SAID HE WANTS TO BREAK INTO
YOUR HOME, TIE UP YOUR HUSBAND AND CRACK OPEN THE WINDOWS FOR
SOME REASON.>>THAT’S TO GET THE FUNK OUT.
>>OKAY. AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
>>OKAY, DON’T MAKE IT GROSS, DOUG.
>>YEAH, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SEXUAL?
>>HE’S A SWEET OLD MAN, WHAT’S YOUR DEAL?
>>LOOK, IT JUST — IT FEELS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE GOING EASIER
ON HIM CAUSE CHARMING OLD BLACK MAN AND HE HAS DONE WAY WORSE
STUFF.>>BUT IT’S CHARLIE.
>>WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?>>LOOK, MAYBE DOUG IS RIGHT.
TOMMY, YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME I MET YOUR FINE ASS WIFE AT THE
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY?>>OF COURSE I DO, CHARLIE.
I REMEMBER THAT.>>YEAH, I HELD UP HER HAND AND
TWIRLED HER AROUND AND YELLED OUT, AIN’T NO WAY LITTLE BITTY
TOMMY HITTING THIS THING, RIGHT.
>>YEAH.>>AND LATER ON I SAW YOUR JUNK
IN THE URINAL AND IT WAS A GOOD SIZE.
SO, I WENT BACK OUT TO THE PARTY AND I YELLED OUT, I STAND
CORRECTED, HOME BOY TOMMY IS PACKING SOME HEAT.”
. AND THEN EVERYBODY LAUGHED.
>>YEAH.>>YOU THINK THAT’S WHY I’M
GETTING FIRED?>>NO.
NO, IT’S NOT, CHARLIE. IT ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH SEXUAL HARASSMENT. CORPORATE SAYS THEY HAVE YOU ON
CAMERA STEALING $380 IN PETTY CASH.
PLUS THEY FOUND HALF A POUND OF COCAINE AND A BAG OF TINY
BALLOONS IN YOUR LOCKER.>>OH, OKAY.
>>AND YOU SAVED A TON OF PORNOGRAPHY ON TO THE LOBBY
DESKTOP IN FOLDERS MARKED CHARLIE’S STUFF.
>>OH, YOU FOUND THAT.>>YEAH.
>>YEAH.>>YOU SIGNED OUT THE COMPANY’S
VAN, REPORTED IT STOLEN AND IT WAS FOUND THREE DAYS LATER
PARKED OUTSIDE OF A BROTHEL WITH YOUR KEYS STILL IN
THE IGNITION AND YOUR BROTHER STILL ASLEEP IN THE FRONT SEAT.
>>WHAT, CLARENCE WAS STILL IN THERE?
>>YEAH. AND YOUR NAME’S NOT CHARLIE.
IT’S RONALD WASHINGTON. AND YOU ARE WANTED IN
PENNSYLVANIA FOR KIDNAPPING.>>OH, SO, IT’S STILL KIDNAPPING
IF I BRING THEM BACK? OKAY, THAT’S MY BAD.
THAT’S MY BAD. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]