Conan O’Brien at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Complete

Conan O’Brien at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Complete


Conan O’Brien: Thank you. Thank you. Please
remain seated. That is not necessary. [applause] [laughter] thank you, don’t stand, that
wouldn’t be right. Good evening, thank you, Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members
of the press and Bon Jovi. Yes, it is an honor to share the stage with
the President. When you think about it, the President and I are a lot alike. We both went
to Harvard, we both have two children and we both told Joe Biden we did not have extra
tickets for tonight event. We also have something else in common, I too
recently got in hot water for talking about a public official’s good looks. It was when
time I would not shut up about that stone cold fox, Secretary of Transportation Ray
Lahood. Oh, man. I like the cut of his jib. Bu President Obama, President Obama, you had
some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching you stand here and do what I do. Now it is
only fair that I get to do what you do. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next
15 minutes I will be mired in intense dysfunctional standoff with congress. This is going to be
fun. Now right away, I would like to formally congratulate
the President on his re-election. Congratulations. Thank you. As you all know, he is hard at work creating
jobs. Since he was first selected, the number of popes has doubled. And the number of tonight
show hosts has tripled. Congratulations. And while I’m at it, I would like to congratulate
President George W. Bush on big dedication of his Presidential library. Yes, the library
has millions of books, articles, and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read
them. You can’t hurt me. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get going. Right
here at the start I am going to share something with you people and it does not leave this
room. I say this with absolute confidence, because we are on C- Span. Who doesn’t love
C-SPAN, seriously? C-SPAN. It’s an entire channel shot the backup Camera on a Ford Explorer.
Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly
beat out HD TV two, TVC South America and the Hilton Hotel how to check out channel.
That’s right, the Hilton. It is great to be here at the Hilton. Is it just me or is it time to stop using
Priceline to book this event? No, I really love the Hilton. I love their motto, sorry
the Radisson was booked. I was worried that because of the sequester
we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel then the dc Hilton.
Then I was told that was not possible. I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating
us. They were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. By the way, for those
of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that has been moved to salon ‘B’ on the
mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either. Quick announcement, before we really get going,
before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapable
oflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. Yeah. Yes, Yes. Also, to any U.S. Senators here
tonight, if you would like to switch your dessert or your position on gay marriage,
please signal a waiter. By the way Speaking of dinner, tonight entrees were halibut, and
filet mignon. Or as CNN reported, lasagna and couscous. There is a gavel here, and I
don’t know why. [gavel pounds] Here is a fun fact about tonight’s food,
everything you it was personally shot by Wayne Lapierre. Don’t worry it was during a home
invasion. The fish came in through the window. It wasn’t peppercorn, it was buckshot, ladies
and gentlemen. Incidentally, you may not know this, but Wayne Lapierre is merely the executive
Vice President of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to
be to be the actual President of the NRA? He is not even at the top. Also, I would like to acknowledge that earlier
this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. For a moment, someone accidentally
sat governor Chris Christie with the Republicans. That was awkward, and I apologize. Very awkward.
But speaking of tables, before dinner, I had a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. I
worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold my twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500
million. They will buy anything. (ah ha ha ha ha ha) It is an absolute joy to be her at the White
House correspondents dinner. Last year, Tom Brokaw criticized this event for having too
many superstars and A-list celebrities. When I told him I would be attending this year,
he said, that’s more like it. That should not be funny to you. But this is really a star- studded event.
this year, you have taken it to new heights. I have to congratulate you. New heights! Because
you have some of the guy from duck dynasty is here – duck dynasty. Which can only mean
one thing, the guys from storage wars said no. I love duck dynasty, don’t get me wrong.
I really don’t think the whistle — all my god, it works. It’s incredible. He is
here. I always hated that one. As some of you know, this is my second time
speaking at this event. I was 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed since then. Today
you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit
in the palm of your hand. Back in 1995, we called that George Stephanopoulos. I can see
if George is here because there is a crouton in the way. It is amazing to think how much our country
has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If in 1995 you told me that in 2013, we would
have an African- American President with a middle name Hussein, who was just reelected
to a second term in a sluggish economy, I would have said, oh, he must have run against
Mitt Romney. By the way, no offense, Mr. President, I do
congratulate you on your victory, but as a late-night comedian, I was kind of pulling
for the rich guy who’s horse danced in the Olympics. The demographics of this country have been
rapidly changing over the past two decades. I look forward to hosting this event 18 years
from now. Then, my opening line will be, [speaking spanish] Si. Especialmente, Presidente Mario
Lopez. But, my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. If the President
laughs, everyone laughs. If the Fox News table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. How are you doing, Bill? Yes, all the Washington
news media are here tonight, including the stars of online journalism. I did the Huffington
post has a table. Which has me wondering, if you are here, who is covering Miley Cyrus’s
latest nip slip? Who is assembling today’s top 25 yogurt related tweets?
Seven mistakes your making with bacon, and that’s a real one, and you should be ashamed
our yourselves. By the way, just before dinner, I tried to
say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington, but she made me watch a 32 second ad first. — 30-second
ad first. Yes, a lot of online stars in the room, but
unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn’t make it. Ya, he had a prior commitment to teach
a web design class in 1997. Of course, the Washington print media is also
joining us this evening. The print media are here for two very good reasons. food and shelter. You know, how are you, you know, some people
say print media is dying, but I don’t believe it. Neither does my blacksmith. You have got
to meet Zachariah, he is great. Man, rough year for Newsweek, which after 80 years published
its last print issue. Yeah. Time magazine might be gloating, but they really shouldn’t,
because Time will outlive Newsweek a way Juliett outlived Romeo. Read the play, it is very
smart. Things are so tough for old media, Reuters
– (this is a true story) Reuters is having its after party right here at the Hilton.
Because nothing says we are having a great here like having your after party at the same
table where you just had dinner. With that in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to
leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass. And to be fair, print media still has a big
star in Bob Woodward. Got to give it up for Bob
Woodward. [applause] Earlier this evening, a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or
decaf and he said, Stop threatening me! Also tonight, some big names in television
news. When it comes to television news, we have a divided landscape. Fox news is watched
by conservatives, MSNBC watched by liberals and CNN is watched by people who clean the
offices at CNN. [laughter] [oohs] Oh, it gets worst. CNN’s ratings are so low, now when
it comes up, James Earl Jones says, you are watching CNN? what the hell? I have to say,
in the past two years, CNN has made some odd moves. It replaced the — popular Larry King
with one of the scheming footman from “Downton Abbey.” it is good to
see my old friends at MSNBC. Chris Matthews
is here. Chris Matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can
wipe the spittle off the lens. By the way, during the Boston
coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped a pundit from speculating on on fire side
— unverified information. There is no joke here. I’m just letting the people at CNN
know that you can do that. This is a learning experience. Hello to Fox news star Bill O’Reilly, Bill
has become quite the author. He’s had two recent bestsellers, ” Killing Kennedy”
and “killing Lincoln.” He also wrote a book that wasn’t as nearly as popular – the
Natural Peaceful Death of Taft. What were you thinking. The truth is Bill O’Reilly (and this is
true) is now working on his next book, due out this fall, this time about the killing
of Jesus. It will be the first time in history Jesus’s death is blamed on Obamacare. Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. PBS — yes!
[applause] Those people love to party. Guys if you get lucky tonight – Be safe, where
a tote bag. It works. You have got to love NPR. Still the number one source for news
delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping in the next room. Shh! NBC NEWS is in the house. They have had a
rough go of it. The Today Show let go of Ann Curry. After being told that an curry said,
how broker tells the world that he crafted answer the White House and I am getting fired?
Al is the reason there are no more tours of the White House, they’re still hosing it
down. Brian Williams is here. Brian – I am a big
fan of your show. Rock Center with Brian Williams – If you haven’t seen it, imagine brand
delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building, a little later, with
a slightly different tie. It is a mind blower. You gotta check it out. As I look all around the room, I see all the
media here tonight, I realize this is one big high school cafeteria. That is all it
is. Think about it. Fox is the jocks. MSNBC is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR
is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [laughter] Al Jazeera is the weird foreign-
exchange student nobody talks to. And print media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore
year in a car crash. Ya, cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to you. Of course, probably the biggest or that people
covered this past year was the Republicans failure to recapture the White House. Hard
to believe they did not fare better with this port of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf.
They underestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans. The republican party’s on the mend. One
rising star on the right is Senator Marco Rubio. Or as he is known in the republican
party, our black guy. Ya. By the way, as of today come in the U.S. Senate
has a record number of African- american senators. Two. Two. In other words, there are now more
African-Americans in the senate and in a Mumford and Sons concert. Thank you, younger people. Paul Ryan — I don’t understand! What’s
he babbling about? Who is this man? Paul Ryan recently — he really burst through when
he ran or Vice President. After the election, Ryan said President Obama was reelected because
of the high turnout of urban voters. When he was asked how he liked his coffee he said,
no milk, no sugar, just urban. Well there is RNC chairman writes previous
— Reince Priebus. Tonight he is sitting between his brothers lather and repeat. House majority leader Eric Cantor is here.
Or as I like to refer to him, yet another Jewish Republican from the south — Get sold. That also reminds me also joining us a Congressman
from New York named Steve Israel. He is from New York and his name is Israel. Now, there
is pandering, and then there is pandering. That is like having a Congressman from South
Carolina named Jesus H.Gun – my name is Jesus – Jesus H. Gun. You’ve got to use this thing, it is fantastic.
[Gavel Pounds] I mentioned Chris Christie earlier, governor
Christie and Shaquille O’neal are sitting at the same dinner table. So, let’s give
it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter. That poor bastard is gonna lose an
arm. And I believe we have one or two supreme court
justices here. The supreme court seems divided over same-sex marriage. The liberal justices
favorite it while the conservatives oppose any life long union between two men, unless
it is Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. What the hell was that? There’s no surprise, Speaker John Boehner
is not here tonight. Speaker banner and President Obama are still struggling to get along. President
Obama and John Boehner, are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel
Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep
down, you know nothing’s ever gonna happen. [Gavel Pounds] [Gavel Pounds] Speaking of
nothing happening, we are all hoping of course that nothing happens with North Korea. And
that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong-un? In the past, we have had really scary enemies
like Saddam Hussain and Hitler. Now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses
like Rosie O’donnell at the Emmys. Kim Jong-un does not understand that we aren’t afraid
of him. What that guy doesn’t get is that we already have an unstable peninsula
that will ultimately bring down america. It is called Florida. Yes it is. Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate
right now. But he is at the very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come
out about him. We all know that he lived in Indonesia as a child, studied at a Muslim
seminary and occasionally ate dog. From the beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the
U.S. Presidency. Check, and check. Here I come. I know the relationship between the President
and the press can seem a bit strained at times. Some in this room have accused him of being
distant and aloof. When I asked the President about it earlier, he said, oh, and then walked
away. Of course it is only natural, but Mr. President
election was less exciting than the first time around in 2008. An election night on
2008, you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in Chicago’s Grant park. It was
fascinating. This time around, you split the Char-dog with
David Axelrod at the wiener circle. It just did not have the same buzz. And by the way
I have a question. And I think some of you also have this question. It has been several
months since you were reelected, so I am curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails
a day asking for more money? You won. Do you have a gambling problem we don’t know about?
Did you put it all on Gonzaga? You did, didn’t you? He did. [gavel pounds] President Obama has already made a lot of
changes in his second term. You recently, Sir, you recently appointed John Kerry and
Chuck Hagel. Very smart moves. You appointed the only two people in the United States who
look even more tired than you. A great strategy. Mr. President, you will leave office as a
very young man. And yet the Presidency has taken it’s toll. I don’t want to alarm
you sir, but you are starting to look like a judge on “Law and Order.” Just say,
you are on thin ice, counselor. You could have that part right away. Seriously, Mr.
President, your hair is so white, it could be a member of your cabinet. He can handle
it. Speaking of the Cabinent, the President, he
recently picked the new treasury secretary, Jack Lew. If the President ever has to let
him go, he can say, it is not Lew, it’s me. But the quote a city must but the President
is that he is always the coolest guy in the room. That is what everyone says. He is the
coolest guy in the room. Here is my question. Who else is in that room? It is not hard to
be the cool one when the other guys in the room are Biden, Hagel, and Kerry. I would
be cool to if I was in a room where Tom Vilsack is showing Steven Chu how to do the Harlem
Shake. Now, I have made some jokes about the President
this evening. Now, I am looking forward to my audit. President Obama:
It’s coming. Conan O’Brien:
It is coming. I know, sir, It’s coming. But, I would like to take a moment here and
change gears and say some into the President. Regarding the events of the past two weeks.
Some of you may not know this. I grew up in Boston. My parents still live there. My brother,
Luke, raised his family in Watertown. I would like to take this opportunity to thank, you
Mr. President, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal with
your inspiring words. It’s made a huge difference. It has been said recently that you don’t
mess with Boston. As someone who grew up there, I would like to echo that sentiment. It is
really pretty simple. If you’re going to pick on a city, don’t choose one where nine
out of 10 people are related to a cop. Don’t do it. It’s stupid. And that includes myself. I have one more thing to mention before I
go. Everyone is obsessed with Washington these days. You all saw how you went crazy for “house
of cards” “homeland”, Hollywood can’t get enough of your world. Well, tonight, I’m
excited to announce that they are going to make a television miniseries about the power
players here in Washington. They just finished the casting, and I would like to announce
who is going to play who. This is big. Vice President Joe Biden is going to be played
by Bob Barker. Former White House adviser David Axelrod will
be played by Higgins from Magnum P.I. This was also produced by Steven Spielberg,
by the way. Representative Paul Ryan will be played by Mr. Bean. Senator Chuck Schumer will be played by Grandpa
Munster. Senator Harry Reid will be played by the old
man from the American Gothic painting. Fox news Ceo Roger Ailes will be played by
Boss Hog, we signed the deal. Speaker of the House John Banner will be played
by TAN-MOM. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano
will be played by Paul Giamatti. Former White House Chief of Staff and Chicago
Mayor Rahm Emanuel will be played by Stewie from “Family Guy.” Secretary of State John Kerry will be played
by any Easter island head. I cannot tell those two apart. Supreme court Chief Justice John Roberts will
be played by Buzz Light Year. Senator Mitch Mcconnell will be played by
Dame Edna. CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer will be played by
a Furby. NRA executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre
will be played by the face melt guy from The Raiders of the Lost Ark. And finally, White House press secretary Jay
Carney will be played by Ralphie from “a Christmas story. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor.
Thank you very much.